Kay
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Pippa, we need to trade our kids’ personalities for a while! Haha
Pilaf, our daughters sound very similiar. I didn’t think about the bathroom thing. I don’t want my kid wetting our bed, I’d rather she wet her own, but it would be nice to know right away when she needs to use the toilet at night so I can help.
Couldn’t have said it better myself, Pippa!
DD, you’re an amazing dad. I don’t know many who would take the time to ask advice about this situation, and this conversation will help foreign parents in Japan in the future, I hope!
Really great advice, Pippa! Thank you for sharing!
Thanks for the very interesting questions, Pippa, and thank you Pilaf for sharing your thoughts!
I remember reading about how the hypnobirthing course helped you when you gave birth, Pippa, and it’s something I would want to consider if I have a vaginal birth in the future.
Pilaf, if you don’t mind sharing (and if you remember), what kind of advice was odd?
And in answer to the original questions asked:
If you were doing everything all over again, what would you do differently?
Hmm, I feel like I wouldn’t have much of a choice regarding how I would ultimately give birth (C-section again because platelet problem). This would be the case if I had another child, too. Maybe I would insist on a C-section from the start rather than attempting to be induced? That was very painful. I would also try to find a better clinic/hospital that could handle high-risk cases. My original clinic had to transfer me to another hospital last minute. I had great postpartum care BUT I am forever salty about not getting the fancy food! I just got regular hospital food and I hated it.
What did you think was really good from your previous experience(s) that you would hope to do again?
Hmm… I really liked the doctor and the clinic I went to, so I guess going with a female doctor who can speak English and a clinic where you can book an appointment would be a must. Also joining a bumper group on Reddit! That helped relieve a lot of my worries and I felt a lot less alone. Oh and living somewhere that had a station where I could sit down on the train, and working at a place that let me leave an hour early with no cuts to my salary so I could sit down on the way home. That helped relieve a lot of stress.
Is there anything specifically unique to childbirth in Japan that you liked and wish were more common back in your country of origin?
The longer hospital stay so that mothers can properly recover! And the
(apparent because I never got it)amazing food. Oh and some (all?) hospitals/clinics give really nice freebies. I don’t know if Canadian hospitals do that but I was happy with what I got in Japan.Oh wow, she picked up your daughter?! Honestly, I would never expect someone to do that so I don’t even know how I would react. In my mind, I would ideally grab my daughter right away but at the same time, when something is unexpected, as it probably was for you, sometimes you’re too stunned to do anything.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with not wanting strangers to touch your child, especially during a pandemic. I think it was impolite of her to just PICK UP your child! I can’t even muster the courage to ask a good friend if I can hold her 3-month-old (because pandemic)!
I’m curious to hear what other parents think, so I hope someone else shares their thoughts.
Hi Heather! Thank you so much for joining!
Hiroshima is such a wonderful prefecture. My husband is from Fukuyama and I used to visit Hiroshima city and Miyajima a lot when I lived in Iwakuni.
I hope you’re able to connect with some other parents, especially ones nearby!
Hi Kimberly,
I’m so sorry for the delay in welcoming you to the community!
I hope everything works out with your journey and that the information on the blog is helpful for you when the time comes. If you haven’t already, you might want to read the interview on IVF in Japan (which also has a link at the end to Pippa’s blog where she’s documenting her journey on trying for #2 via IVF!).
That’s great to hear, DD! And it all sounds really healthy and well-balanced.
Thanks for sharing your experience, Pilaf! I’m sorry to hear that some teachers try to avoid you, I wish they would at least try to communicate to set a good example for the other kids.
DD, there was a comment on Twitter as well regarding your post. I’ll share it here so that other parents in the future can access it. The comment is from @HC_Be_My_Bride ↓
For mothers:
I honestly think that my “daily life” interactions (vs long-term, deep friendship interactions, which have always been solid) improved once I had my son. It was suddenly very clear to everyone what I was doing in Japan, and what my “job” there was (mama).
I’d often be the first to start chatting with other mums, to set them at ease (since my Japanese is fine for most things). I think even if someone’s Japanese isn’t great, they’d be able to muster a “kawaiiiiiii～” in regards to the other parent’s kiddo and that goes a long way! Although it’s basically song and dance, saying how “it’s so cool, you can teach my child JP, and I can teach yours FR and EN!” gets the vibe going, and shows that you get the type of interaction, and therefore it’ll be pretty easy to become mom-friends in their minds – obstacle overcome! And then over time you just naturally get closer.
Things I learned to NOT do/say (that turned things sour, unfortunately): talk about my husband taking a full year of paternity leave. Although the other women likely had their mothers/family while I didn’t, there was always a wistful/envious vibe about it being my husband at home. Maybe they had wanted their partner at home, and he couldn’t or wouldn’t… but, for whatever reason, it’s a somewhat sensitive topic that I found best avoided.
I also quickly realized not to speak much with the husbands which is so unfair because a parent is a parent! But, oftentimes (I’m convinced just to practice English) the father would want to chat with me. It created very bad vibes, and I always ducked out of it by basically answering the mum instead, smoothing things over. But I think that a part of their feelings of distaste for me (through no real fault of my own) remained. I sort of get it, bc once there was a mum who literally asked my husband on a playdate – just him – right in front of me. She kept stepping in between me and him, and the whole room of JP mums had my back and snubbed her completely afterwards. So… I sort of understand.
But, truly, meeting other mums and their kids is so much fun, and helped me integrate in JP in a different and very fulfilling way.
For fathers:
I think that the things I experienced/felt mostly still apply (see above).
With some of my friends who’ve become dads (although they’re JP), there’s a LOT more involvement in kids’ lives than there used to be, even if moms still typically fill the parenting role more. So if you’re at all nervous about it being weird that you’re a he, maybe it’s reassuring to know that you might not be the only guy around.
Although it’s sad, some of the mums might be intimidated… I guess if you feel like it might be the case, I’d try chatting mostly about the kids, how cute and clever they are, etc. rather than asking a lot about the women themselves. It shouldn’t have to be that way, but… in the interest of getting along well, if the group is more conservative (read: no other dads), then it’s just a possible thought. Because if they happen to be conservative, then you’re “intruding” on “women’s space” (I put those in quotes bc I personally think it’s hogwash, but you can read the room at preschool and decide).
My husband mostly made meaningful connections with other dads, if I’m thinking about it really lucidly. But when he took our son out, he always met and chatted with ppl (other moms, too!) casually and happily. So I really hope OP will have similarly positive experiences!
It’s a bit weird (and rude) for other parents not to respond back when you greet them. But I’m also a small woman who “blends in” (for lack of a better word) and doesn’t usually speak to others unless spoken to so I’m perhaps not the best person to give advice. (It does hurt, though, when I’m left out… which is why I tend to just keep to myself. Again, not good advice, it’s just a coping mechanism for me.)
I understand wanting to keep a good relationship with the other parents and I think it’s good to keep trying. Is it a mix of mothers and fathers who pick up their kids? Sometimes the moms aren’t so keen to speak to other fathers. Also, are the other parents friendlier with the international couple?
In terms of trying to get parents to open up, as an antisocial person, here are things other moms said to me that made me talk more:
-complementing my child on something, like her cute shirt or shoes
-mentioning that their child spoke about mine at home (I understand your daughter is still too young for that yet, but soon!)
-talking about an event coming up
I also asked my husband about this and he said that if they continue to be cold, you shouldn’t waste your energy on them…
Thanks for sharing, Elaine! Supplementing with formula after breakfast is also a great tip.
@missmentaiko on Twitter shared the following:
“If mine doesn’t want to eat at all, o check her temperature. If ok, I’ll wait 30minutes. If she still don’t want to eat, I give her white rice, cauliflower and strawberries. Because I know she will def eat it. At that point, my only target is that she has smtg in her stomach”
Sometimes it takes my daughter some time as well until she gets hungry enough to want to eat (she’s like me actually!)
Ooh I just noticed it, sorry about the delay!
My daughter had this stage as well. Firstly, we stopped letting her drink formula in the morning as it filled her up too much. She got one to two cups of milk instead. At times we just resorted to giving her ALL THE THINGS, like apple sauce (Kirkland), baby pancakes (Wakodo), baby yogurt (Danone). We also ate breakfast with her and she started stealing my husband’s toast and my cereal, despite not wanting to eat her own (of the exact same things… toddlers are weird).
I would love to hear from other parents so I hope someone else shares their experience!
I’ve seen an Instant Pot Air Fryer at Costco but it’s almost 20000 yen! Contemplating it, though…
It’s really interesting to hear about your daughter’s language experience, YSK! It really shows how important the surrounding environment is and that even though parents may be worried about speaking only English at home, their children will pick up Japanese once they’re in school.
(As an aside, my husband is not looking forward to the day when our daughter becomes a teen and stops talking to him!)
