Pippa

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  • idk, I do also see the merit in “passing a baby round” in a sense. My cousin’s son Joe was constantly passed around from person to person in their church group and he was SO laidback, easygoing, just the sweetest and charming little tot (he’s an adult now, good grief where did the time go) – and it seemed that having him be accustomed to interacting with lots of different people when he was so small helped him be confident and not too scared/clingy? At least, that’s how everyone in my family portrayed it. BUT – big caveat here – that’s within a relatively confined setting (the known members of a regularly-attended church) among people who are all known and who have a kind of social obligation/commitment to being good to each other. The same is true of babies who grow up in extended families/closer-knit communities, with aunties and uncles and cousins and neighbours etc all taking part in child-rearing. I definitely don’t think it’s applicable to private societies like Japan has become! But then again… for the grandparent generation who probably grew up with extended family close by or more of a “community”-based childhood, I can see why they’d find it natural or wouldn’t think twice about interacting closely with someone else’s baby.

    The same can’t be said of the younger Japanese generation, though, and even IF the woman in DD’s original post came from a more communal child-rearing culture that doesn’t excuse the “bye bye” or the attempted joke about trying to take her away. That’s unacceptable regardless 💀

    Overall, I think that when you feel uncomfortable with the way something is or the way certain people are around your child, it’s worth trusting your instinct and going with your gut reaction, cultural differences and social niceties be damned. Let’s imagine if she were (heaven forbid) in actual trouble: you wouldn’t even hesitate to step in, right? I doubt your instincts would even let you stop and think about it. That instinct, to me at any rate, is worth listening to even when you don’t fully trust your own judgement as to whether or not you’re overreacting in that precise instant. Have faith in yourself! I know it’s hard if you’re a person who has a tendency to second-guess themselves, though…

    The fact that you’re thinking about this and have even reached out to others to seek their opinions/get feedback shows what a conscientious and caring person you are! It’s unequivocally good to aim to be mindful of others, and take culture into consideration when it differs from what we’ve grown up with! I don’t by any means wish to imply that we should always jump in with all guns blazing when someone pushes boundaries a smidgeon more than we are used to (and I know it can feel even harder to speak up when we as foreigners already stand out more than usual and we don’t want to draw attention), BUT I also feel very strongly that when it comes to looking after our small children, we are their first line of defence until they are plenty old enough to stand up for themselves, and as such it’s okay to teach them by our own example to say – politely but firmly – “no” to people who are making them feel uncomfortable or behaving inappropriately (strangers or otherwise)!

    Also, I’m still mad at that woman. Creepy ass.

    I had this conversation with my mum before N was born. Like, global warming, carbon footprint of having a child, all that stuff felt so oppressive and I felt so conflicted about all that coupled with my lifelong desire to have a baby. Was it right? Was it ethical to bring another life into this fucky world? When I spoke to her about it, she said, “honestly, every generation feels like this” and while it may be easy to say “yes, but our threats in this generation are different“… how different is it, I wonder? We have climate change, economic instability, human rights crises… Previous generations had World Wars, Cold War, chaotic revolutions and crushed uprisings – depending on where you live there’s never been a “good” time to have a kid, I guess. We have no way of really knowing what the future will be like. It may be worse in many ways, it may be better in many others. While yes, there are various models that make various predictions, we don’t know what’s going to happen for sure. If worrying too much about a future “if” that we can’t control paralyses us into inaction and prevents us improving* our “now” then it isn’t a productive use of our time. (*in our own individual ways, as much as we can!)

    As for raising a child in Japan vs. England… oh boy, Japan for sure. There is too much going on in England right now, and none of it good. Give it another decade or so and I’ll get back to you…

    I hope that when she gets her own room the appeal of it being a special room just for her with her own bed (her own bedsheets!) and her own wall decorations etc etc will persuade her to stay…!

    My experience is almost the opposite. I always wanted to do the co-sleeping thing, and I thought that the Japanese style of parents sleeping either side of the child in the 川 shape was so wholesome and sweet. I wanted to be able to have sleepy morning snuggles with my daughter! But… she won’t sleep if someone else is in the bed with her 😅 Even when she was drop dead exhausted from jet lag and needed me to stay with her until she fell asleep, she ultimately got disturbed by my presence and slept better on her own. I mean, she naps fine on her cot at daycare, but co-sleeping as a little family is out the window. Oh well…

    I find parents loosen up when I involve their kids in conversation, because kids don’t really care and will talk to anyone(!) – by this I mean, for example: a boy at daycare yesterday was telling me about someone else’s shoes that were based on the Narita Express, so I exclaimed how cool they were, asked him if he likes trains, asked him if he enjoyed going on the Narita Express with his dad, that kind of thing (while obviously looking after my daughter too). Then his mum was really friendly toward me and felt more confident asking me questions – because she’d been able to hear my level of Japanese during my interactions with her son, rather than feeling the old “does she speak Japanese? maybe I shouldn’t say anything…” awkwardness.

    However, I feel that daycare is for my kid to make friends, not the grownups – everyone’s at hoikuen because their parents have full-time obligations and have busy lives, so I don’t feel any personal need to be super close with any of the parents or exchange contact details or whatnot. Just a polite good morning or otsukaresama desu at the end of the day is enough, and if they don’t respond that’s on them and their bad manners, and it’s not worth the effort of trying to change their whole personalities! The good friendships are the ones that develop organically, after all.

    Yokohama! I’m down near Ofuna, so a fellow Kanagawa resident. Nice to meet you!

    Hi Kimberly! A belated welcome to the forum! I had my daughter with IVF in April 2020 and have been trying for another IVF baby since then, so you have my full sympathy and support. Please feel free to poke me any time if you need to chat or vent about anything.

    Holy cow, what an unpleasant and startling experience for you both! I’m sorry you had to experience that.

    For me personally, whenever a stranger has tried to be grabby with my daughter I find myself speaking without even meaning to – “please don’t touch!” “please stay back!” “please stop!” (with the “…kudasai” added on just in time, when my brain catches up…) and sometimes even a curt “eh?! what are you doing?” but I’ve never had to deal with someone fully picking her up outright! That mother should have known better, and the fact that she said “bye bye” made it sound like she was joking about stealing your daughter?! Did I read that correctly?! That is, quite frankly, creepy as fuck and fully deserving of a stronger reaction no matter how rudely it may have come across.